Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Don Varner Weighs In:

To the Chinese, 2008 will be the year of the rat. To their restaurants, it will be the year of the rat, dog, and cat. And to me, this will be the year of peace, love, and cultural sensitivity. Wait, that was last year. This year it's all about getting even.

But first, here's an actual quote from a recent phone conversation with Bill's sister Janet:

Janet: "I'm so stoked!"
Me: "About what?"
Janet: "Your mom!"

Well played, Janet, well played.

Holiday travel, a bout with fetal alcohol syndrome, and my invitation getting revoked weren't enough to stop me from blogging on Classic Stickmen. After a well-placed phone call to the man in command, I'm here to clear a few things up, then muddy the waters even more with a few well placed turds. Consider me the fat drunk dirtying your freshly-cleaned toilet with a few pounds of half-digested items from Wendy's 99 cent menu. Which recently began featuring the double-patty burger, much to my suprise and delight.

Let's clear up a few inaccuracies that have popped up in this blog so far:

Don has animosity towards Matt

There you go, folks. If I find any more errors in my fellow writers' efforts, you can be sure I'll clear them up, too.

Now on to the steamy droppings. Since readers of this blog can probably barely count past 10, I've compiled a list of facts and rumors just short enough to keep your tiny TV-addled brains' attention:

1. I am not the best player in the band. The fact is, I have a good idea of my limitations at drums, so sticking to the basics and keeping time seemed the best course of action. Every other member of the band knows more about their instruments than I do, but seem to delight in pushing the envelope (eyeing Victor's formerly fretless bass with gasoline and matches in hand).

2. The only way the band will ever record a decent song is as a whole. Bill and Matt can try to make me jealous with the whole "Black and Blue" project, but it won't have the same feel without the strife and drama of the original Stickmen. And no, I don't mean those whiny bitches from back east that seem to think playing random chords with heavy distortion and lots of double bass drum make them musicians instead of stupid assholes that need haircuts and lots of deodorant.

3. We don't sound like REM or They Might Be Giants. So stop saying that.

4. The comeback train is rolling. It's going to be like they put the short bus on the Southern Pacific, and the tards are shoveling in a mighty tard frenzy. Look for a new album, and an old feud to be rekindled from the ashes of My New Invention.

5. There is no five. If you made it this far, congratulations, you're a loser. Look to invest in a garden hose and enough gasoline to keep your car running in the garage for an hour or so.


Swamptooth said...

Breathtaking, as usual. Arrived via gmail at the posted time, then duly posted by yours truly, at DV's request.

Swamptooth said...

Oops, apparently Don was hoping I would edit judiciously before posting. Also, he said to make sure Matt knows he was just kidding.

About what, he failed to elaborate.

MattMunson said...

Great googly-moogly! Talk about putting the "classic" in "classic stickmen". I could not have hoped for a better first post from DV. It's like reading TNT all over again. I love it! Welcome to the fold, Von Darner. May your contributions me frequent, many, and just as poetic.

Curious to hear more about that "fetal alcohol" brush you had. Was this recent ????